Why are more women NOT talking about this..??

Why are more women NOT talking about this..??

I have been in crisis for the last two months, and longer than that if I am being honest. It slowly crept up on me disguising itself as a myriad of different things, which all contributed in part I am sure.

Brain fog, moodiness, anxiety, depression, weight gain, and utter lack of sex drive. How are these things related? Well because they all slowly crept in during an incredibly complex year I chalked it up to after effects of trauma caused by crashing my Skoolie in September 2022. Dealing with the intense emotions for that catastrophic event this year it made sense to me that I would gain weight and an increase in depression and anxiety. Post traumatic stress disorder, easily triggered state of ‘flight or flight’ and ‘freeze’ state. I didn’t bother to consult a medical doctor… why? Because I am scared of doctors and needles, yes I know I am covered in tattoos but drawing blood is very scary for me. And doctors offices are never a good fun place to be so I avoid them like the plague.

There were many moments when I felt confused as to my feelings and emotions. I felt trapped inside my own body. Numb. Depressed… I was having the best year of my life (last year 2023). I met the man of my dreams. I was supposed to be so happy. And I was. …but also I felt a deep sorrow… and anxiety? Well with the near death experience and loss of my beautiful home that I had built with my own two hands. It made sense to me that my newfound numbness and sadness correlated to that event. Multiple therapists said I must ‘feel the feelings’. I could work through it, that’s what everyone has to do. So I tried.

But slowly I lost my sex drive over the last six months, completely devastating to me. As I had just married a man whom I found incredibly attractive and alluring. Luckily we talked about it in depth and I tried to explain the numbness and lack of feeling I had inside which were unrelated to my still very strong attraction to him. I reached out to girlfriends and discussed it. Even my therapist thought it was probably related to the ptsd I was working through from my accident. You hold trauma in your gut and reproductive organs. I was also having frequent bouts of nausea.

As my stress levels rose in October and November due to overbooking myself in my fragile and confused state. My symptoms got worse. Anxiety was crippling me, I could barely drive my own vehicle. Even just being passenger in a vehicle was hard. Again making sense that I would have fear related to driving considering the accident I had. But combined with brain fog it was debilitating. I once struggled to simply remember which direction to turn the key in the ignition to turn the vehicle off and felt incredibly insecure and shame. I cried. What was happening to me!?!?

I could not find joy in the things that had always been a source of happiness before. I would paraglide, BASE jump, and hike with my friends for most of November. Hiding the fact that I felt nothing through out the day. Masking my numbness with the standard high fives after flights through beautiful red rock formations that have always invigorated me. It was terrifying and confusing. I slowly recoiled further inward feeling a like shell of my former self.

I needed help.

Finally I had enough and decided to involve an actual medical doctor. Luckily a friend was going through similar mood swings, anxiety, and depression. Although she and I talked frequently we had not really compared all of our symptoms. She started hormone therapy in early December and was having great results. I thought I would at least give it a try and maybe it could possibly help a little.

Mid December I went in for a full blood panel not knowing what to expect. It turns out my hormones were pretty out of wack. The doctor asked me about my symptoms describing all the things listed above. I had no idea EVERYthing I was feeling was related to unbalanced hormones!? This process took weeks, most of December. I was prescribed a cocktail of hormones to balance me out. Which also took a few weeks to arrive.

During that time I was visiting my parents for Christmas, already struggling on a day to day basis with intense anxiety, daily depression, mood swings with a hairline trigger. I was operating at an 11 everyday incredibly overwhelmed, I would wake up already with anxiety. My body felt foreign to me. I had gained 25lbs mostly around my gut and thighs over the last 6 months. In the brain fog I struggled to tell my family, husband, and friends what was going on. I felt trapped inside a cage inside my body. Unable to control my tears and at times anger. I was so scared, confused, and angry that this was happening to me. I felt alone in my suffering even while surrounded by people who loved me. Everyday felt like the worst pms, and I felt immense guilt over loss of control of my emotions.

Women talk about menopause but not really in depth. It’s a thing that happens.. hot flashes and things.. let me tell you it is WAY more than hot flashes. I am only 40? I never thought it could happen so early to me? To be fair I am not sure I am exactly peri menopausal but both my doctor and a few girlfriends that are on the other side of menopause think it’s a high possibility. Either way blood tests show my hormones are unbalanced what ever the cause. Combined with high cortisol, adrenal fatigue, and over stimulation I was overwhelmed by everything happing inside my body.

The first week in January 2024 I received my hormones, a few days after another very traumatic event. I almost didn’t start taking them for fear it would not work as I was in a place of high anxiety and depression. I wasn’t sleeping or eating. I felt like I was drowning. My life was spiraling out of control.

Luckily a few friends talked me into taking my hormone treatment even in my fragile state.

Thank GOD! I had no idea. It took about ten days to start to feel the results, and I am only on week three… but it is incredible! The brain fog is all but gone. My energy levels are back to the way they were years ago! I have lost 15 lbs in less than three weeks! (That also has to do with a daily work out regiment and lack of appetite due to outside events) the anxiety and depression are still lingering here and there but totally controllable and not completely taking over my entire day. And my sex drive… well I am starting to feel my body again! I walk up straight with my shoulders back. The numb feeling that was through my body has all but disappeared. My sex drive is back, I feel sexy and wanting again. I am also doing a daily yoga regiment, movement has always helped me be in my body.

All this after only 3 weeks?! I am so grateful to have followed the advice of another 42 year old female friend and get medical help and treatment. Although I still very much need and am using talk therapy and somatic therapy for my very real ptsd.

Why are women my age not talking about this!? I had no idea I could be peri menopausal at 40. The combination of adrenal fatigue and multiple recent high doses of cortisol did not help. I am not miraculously healed, there is still a lot of work to do, but at least I have a strong head start. Which should only get stronger in the upcoming weeks and months as my body settles back in to its normal hormonal levels.

For the past week I have been reaching out to ALL of my girlfriends ages 35-55 about this and many have been feeling the same way (a few men too). Many thought nothing of it as it sneaks up and feels like something you can work through in just your mind. Hormonal imbalances are a real thing in BOTH sexes as you approach your mid life (40s-50s), and can be medically diagnosed with a simple blood panel. And treated.

Everyone needs to know this. It’s not you… you are not going crazy. Go consult your doctor, blood panels should be a least once a year thing anyway as we age. I am going to have to quickly get over my fear of needles.

Unfortunately this is not a quick and easy fix I will probably be on some sort of hormone cocktail for the rest of my life. Much like my mother whom has had thyroid cancer. But it is far better than living in the place of despair and confusion.

Looking forward to this journey and getting my life and JOY back.

..inspired by Molly Jiménez to tell my story

Thank you. Your strength through your own impossible journey is truly inspiring. I love you.